since i came to america my mom tried to put me in these groups of kids, like youth group ig. she tried getting me into some a while back, but i never talked to anyone, & no one really talked to me. i only ever stayed once, & then never again. its been a while since i was last put into anything like that. last few months ago i was in kind of like a church school thing. i also didnt talk to anyone there, or did anyone even try talking to me. i saw a lot of weird retarded faggots, & i thought to myself when they started acting out that if i were do act like them back when i was in elementery, i would have my ass given to me even worse than i already did back then. it pisses me off that people accommodate these faggots when no one ever did that for me. i want to make them feel like how i did, but i cant do that. it'd be too much trouble. i hate people, but i also hate that i hate people. i feel like if i was in an actual school i would have a lot of what i want, like a bf or gf, friends, or just having some kind of social interacting outside of my parents, but then i go around people & they're so damn retarded. i dont know what i want really. maybe being isolated for so long fucked me, but maybe i was already fucked. ig it might be better to be isolated than forced around kiked out retards. i want to be normal & retarded like everyone else instead of being retarded in my own way. guess it doenst matter too much, not like im going back there.
also the retarded fucking blackpill shit that if you're attractive you'll get everything you want is bs. im told im attractive & that im even a little feminine looking ig, which is good for being a faggot, but something else is wrong with me to where people dont like me or ignore me. maybe its something with how i speak, or ig the lack of really knowing how to speak to people.
what also pisses me off is that these retarded faggots that act stupid as hell probably all are in relationships, & even though they act retarded, they're able to have friends because so many other people also fucking act retarded. they dont deserve to have what they have. i dont act out as much as i did when i was younger, and they even act more retarded than i did. ive been shy & quiet for so long, i should be able to find a nice guy who will want to be with me.