I don't technically know how to speak English. It's really quite embarrassing too, since it's the only language I "know". Everything that comes out of my mouth, or appears as words on a screen (like right now) is merely a clusterfuck of words that I try to string together into coherent sentences. Parsing written text is also a challenge - I'm abhorrent when it comes to learning things from a book or replying to a message on here. Often times I'll be writing an email and I'll have to go back and fix it since I used the same word twice in two different sentences (for example, changing "stingy" to "miserly").
Yet even in spite of my crystal clear language-processing impairments, I still do better than most of my fellow citizens regarding literacy. In 7th grade, Duke University invited me to take the SAT since (supposedly) I had outperformed 95% of my classmates on a standardized state reading/English exam. And you all know how retarded I am. Makes me sad.