Alternate History Scenario: The Great Furgemmy War (1939–1945)
In this timeline, the primary Axis power is the
Kingdom of the Netherlands, led by the charismatic and deeply unhinged Chancellor
Goot. His ideology is pure soyjak.forum Goot-ism: radical anti-structure, celebration of chaos, rejection of all “badges,” “rulesets,” and “consulting superiors,” and an almost religious devotion to SNCA as a way of life. Goot’s unique magical ability allows him to animate snowmen into semi-sentient infantry known as the
Sneeuwlegioen. These snowmen are cheap, renewable in winter, and surprisingly effective until spring.
The primary Allied power is
Ireland, led by Taoiseach
Cargo. Cargo’s ideology mirrors his forum counterpart: obsession with order, community events, badge systems, strict enforcement against “groomers” and illegal content, and a belief that every major decision must be run past superiors. Once per month, Cargo can summon a single My Little Pony (usually a background pony of varying usefulness). These ponies are collectively known as the
Monthly Reinforcement Corps.
Both sides desperately seek control of Europe’s limited deposits of
furgemmies (a rare, glowing resource that boosts morale and meme production) and race to complete the ultimate weapon: the
transnvke, a device of such catastrophic cultural and existential power that its detonation is theorized to rewrite the entire continent’s posting culture overnight.
Major Alliances
Axis (Goot’s Chaos Pact)
- Netherlands (leader)
- Germany – Drawn to Goot’s pure rejection of rules and love of dramatic collapse.
- Italy – Attracted to the theatrical chaos and snowman aesthetics.
- Japan – Respects the commitment to total disorder and rapid, unpredictable offensives.
- Hungary & Romania – Prefer the “no badges, no masters” energy.
- Finland – Extreme winter advantage with the Sneeuwlegioen; natural ally.
- Spain – Franco finds Goot’s anti-structure rhetoric usefully disruptive.
Allies (Cargo’s Ordered Coalition)
- Ireland (leader)
- United Kingdom – Values Cargo’s emphasis on rules, hierarchy, and “consulting superiors.”
- United States – Sees Cargo’s badge system and anti-groomer stance as compatible with its own administrative instincts.
- France – Prefers any system that promises structure after years of instability.
- Canada, Australia, New Zealand – Follow the UK’s lead and appreciate orderly logistics.
- Belgium – Geographic proximity to the Netherlands makes them terrified of Goot; they choose Cargo.
- Norway – Prefers rules over animated snowmen invading their fjords.
- Soviet Union (uneasy co-belligerent) – Stalin respects Cargo’s willingness to ban threats and enforce discipline, even if the badge talk is bourgeois.
Neutral / Opportunistic
- Sweden – Sells furgemmies to both sides.
- Switzerland – Banks the profits.
- Portugal – Watches carefully.
- Turkey – Waits to see who builds the transnvke first.
Course of the War
1939–1940: Goot invades Belgium and northern France using massed Sneeuwlegioen attacks during an unusually harsh winter. The snowmen prove devastating until a warm front melts entire divisions. Cargo responds by summoning his first monthly pony (a very polite Earth pony named “Badge Bearer”) who organizes refugee columns with uncanny efficiency.
1941–1942: The race for furgemmy deposits in the Alps and Scandinavia intensifies. Goot’s forces operate with almost no logistics, simply spawning more snowmen whenever it snows. Cargo’s coalition builds elaborate badge-based supply chains and holds monthly “Community Engagement Offensives.”
1943: Both sides achieve partial success on the transnvke. Goot’s prototype is chaotic and unstable, frequently exploding into clouds of pure SNCA that cause temporary mass derangement in nearby units. Cargo’s version is heavily regulated, requires seventeen signatures to arm, and is therefore late.
1944–1945: The decisive factor becomes the monthly ponies. By late 1944 Cargo has summoned a full dozen. One of them (a particularly stern Unicorn) develops a counter-spell that accelerates snowmelt, crippling the Sneeuwlegioen. Goot, refusing all structure to the end, rejects any coordinated defense plan and orders one final all-out snowman charge on Dublin.
The charge fails. Spring arrives early. The remaining snowmen collapse into harmless puddles. Goot is last seen refreshing a magical forum page as Irish forces (supported by a very determined pegasus) take Amsterdam.
Aftermath
Cargo’s Coalition occupies the Netherlands and immediately implements a comprehensive badge system and mandatory community events. Furgemmy production is placed under strict ruleset control. The incomplete transnvke is locked in a vault that requires three superiors’ approval to open.
Goot escapes into exile, still insisting that the only true victory would have been total systemic collapse. His remaining supporters claim the war was lost because it became “too organized.”
Europe enters an uneasy peace under the Badge Accords of 1945, forever changed by the brief but intense era when snowmen and monthly ponies decided the fate of the continent.