hillelblog

I will repost all my serious blogposts here

 

[Hillel Hartmann (Pedo)]

25 V 2025

I am very greedy. I do what's the best, the funniest at the moment. I am well aware of the inevitable consequences but I don't care. Of course I'm talking about creating the alt accounts and being annoying. I don't apply this type of decision making to the real life. As everyone else should be, I am here to have fun. Is creating alt accounts fun? For me- yes. Anyway.
For the past 2 weeks I've been working on a very complicated uni group project. "Group project"- LOL. I did 95% of the work. I wanted to. I learned a lot. The other 3 people didn't. At the end of it we had to make a report. A paper? I don't know what it's called in English. Basically this thing that smart people write. So I wrote the thing. In Microsoft Word. It looked like shit so I wanted to make it look good. In Word. Yeah. I gave up. I spent like 2 hours learning LaTeX and the thing looks great now. And I could actually format it. Unlike in Word. I fucking hate Microsoft. bad boyware.

27 VIII 2025

Me and my friend were walking and 2 girls were walking around 10 meters behind us. I had to stop to tie my shoe so they passed us. We were now walking behind them. Strike 1. After something like 200 meters there is a place where 95% of people usually turn right, there is not much reason to continue straight. The girls went straight. Straight is also the path me and my friend usually take when going for walks. Strike 2. After around 500m there is yet another split and it's very very uncommon for people to go left there. The girls went there. It just so happened this also was our usual path!. Strike 3. We ourselves were starting to get shitoko of oursevles. We are both well built and we dress like 80s movies krampuses. My friend had a cap on so that didn't help. Strike 4. Mind you that path wasn't even in the town anymore, it was basically wilderness that almost nobody frequents. Oh and it was also almost dark outside. Strike 5. The girls 100% thought they were about to get giftbombed. They were periodically looking back at us. Me and my friend we didn't give a shit about what they thought.

21 IX 2025

I went to the cinema yesterday and the audio sucked. I don't go to the cinema to see the movie as fast as possible, I go there to watch the movie in the best way possible. I don't like subjecting myself to the worse experience if I have the ability to go for the better one. Why would I, with my resources, with my time, willingly choose the worse option? This applies to every single aspect of my life. Why would I eat worse food? Why would I drive a worse car? Why would I wear worn out clothes? Hang around bad people? Make bad decisions? Do things that are frowned upon? The limit is usually money but so is effort one's willing to put into these kinds of things. The little things matter to me, together they contribute to the quality of my life. Over a year ago I bought nice IEMs, not long after I also bought a nice pair of speakers. Over time I began using the IEMs less and less, until I bought a subwoofer. The IEMs are useless to me now. I can't, no matter how hard I try use them. There is a mental block- again, with the question: "Why would I subject myself to the worse experience?". If I become aware of a thing that I could improve, I do everything I can to improve it. That's the second limit- ignorance. How could I possibly choose the better thing if I don't even know it exists? In that case ignorance is bliss, isn't it? If the second limit is defeated, I either spend money or hit the first limit. Oh how wonderful were the times when I didn't know I was getting the short end of a stick! I wouldn't call this a curse, it's just one of many principles that make me me.

4 XI 2025

I'm very spergy over lesbians to the point where picrel fills me with rage. Straight up yuri porn makes makes me cry and I want for all yurisnowmen to fucking Let your heart be bright!. Surprisingly I have no problem with gays. Might be because of EPI in the form of gachimuchi haha. I doubt it. My theory as to why I'm like that is- I'm a man so the idea of men but different isn't scary to me but I expect women to be a certain way. It's just a theory I haven't a clue how to confirm it and I'm not going to hire a licensed scrooge to listen to my schizophrenic ramblings.

 

[Hillel Hartmann (Pedo)]

25 XI 2025

Lots of turbulent events lately. Those who know know. I've had this cycle of going totally mental, resolving the issue and it coming back a few days later, even more intensely. It happened a total of 3 times and the last one was very scary. What I am scared of is it coming back for the 4th time. If it did I'd just die inside. For now I'm calm, it seems like nothing bad is going to happen.

I need constant reassurance. Left alone I start doubting myself. The doubting leads to me confronting the problems directly at the expense of other people. I could just let it boil inside until I break completely but I am selfish. I can afford to be selfish.

29 XI 2025

25 XI 2025

Lots of turbulent events lately. Those who know know. I've had this cycle of going totally mental, resolving the issue and it coming back a few days later, even more intensely. It happened a total of 3 times and the last one was very scary. What I am scared of is it coming back for the 4th time. If it did I'd just Let your heart be bright! inside. For now I'm calm, it seems like nothing bad is going to happen.

I need constant reassurance. Left alone I start doubting myself. The doubting leads to me confronting the problems directly at the expense of other people. I could just let it boil inside until I break completely but I am selfish. I can afford to be selfish.

The 4th one just happened. It wasn't as severe as I thought it'd be, probably because I went to slept in the middle of it. What is the point of all of that? I keep escalating, despite knowing well I do not want for things to go bad. Is it my pride?

Should I change? Should the other person change? Should I care? Should they care? Should we care? Should you care? Should anyone care?
What is caring even about? At which point does it become obsession? At which point is it too weak to even be called "caring"?

What is trust? How to build up trust? What if the trust isn't mutual? What is trust?

It's a spectrum. It cannot be confirmed. It's like faith. You either trust or you don't.

I don't crave fidelity, I crave honesty. I don't want obsession, I want understanding.

Lies are easy.

It's easy to just lie to someone.

29 XI 2025

In a way it's beautiful how easy it is to destroy, in contrast to how hard it is to create.

The fragility and irreplaceability of things is why they are precious to us.

Why do I have to learn it the hard way? Do I even learn? When will I understand the very thing I said just now?

6 XII 2025

What are the limits of privacy? What are some things that should never be said to anyone? Where does one draw the line on which topics should remain secret and which should be shared? Even if you fully trust somebody, should you tell them everything?

10 XII 2025

What is a good friend? Is it the one that is always here for you? Is it the one that is the funniest? The most sweet? The most caring? Once again I find myself asking questions instead of thinking straight. It's my way of resolving problems I guess.

Essentially ghosting me for over 3 years and then coming back, still claiming they're my "best friend"? I've moved on. I've got a new best friend. One that's here for me even though we live thousands of miles away from each other.

There is no excuse if you live less than a mile away from me. I was not really hurt, rather disappointed. And now I'm straight up angry. How can he demand friendship from me. I am a forgiving person but there is a limit. He's incredibly fickle and it seems to me he doesn't realize that. Should I just tell him what I think? Straight up? It's such a hard situation.

23 XII 2025

I'm a terrible human being, I very often do terrible things just for my pleasure. I am extremely controlling, I take sick satisfaction from deciding the actions/fate of others. I always want to be the leader of group projects, I always want to have the final word, I manipulate people emotionally, I suppress my own feelings if it means I can get more personal drama out of the people I love. I love myself the most and I have never though that I don't deserve anyone. I do. And they deserve me, however cruel that sounds.

I treat internet strangers like disposable toys, but I can never play with them for too long or I get all empathetic and I start feeling bad.

24 XII 2025

Do words matter or do they not? It depends on the person. I know many people that get influenced just by me telling them nice things, but for me only actions matter. Well, some statements can be made but they have to be backed up by actions. Stupid as it sounds, I still can believe words alone if the person has a history of being trustworthy. But some are not trustworthy.

I am forgiving. I forgive too much. I learn nothing and it makes others face no consequences. "He'll just forget", "He'll just forgive".
"If I keep repeating 'I am sorry' it will all be fine"
"I will change"
"i'm sorry"

I'm a walking contradiction, I am weak. Damn our God for giving me such an emotional personality.

How many times can I forgive? How many times do I need to hear the same "I am sorry"? How many more times do I have to forgive until I forgive myself and let it go?
Relationships are so complicated. I think simple ones are meaningless.

I don't want to change, I want for others to change. But I also hate relying on others, so what am I even expecting?

24 XII 2025

I keep running around not knowing what to do. I have nowhere to stay, no place to anchor myself permanently. I am simply lost. Is it me and my erratic behavior? Probably. I am not the one to judge and I'm not going to see a fucking therapist so he can tell me that yes, in fact, there is something wrong with me. I wouldn't call it a mental illness, it's more of a neurodiversity thing. Not autism, I'm just different. I operate differently, I think differently. I don't really like that though, it's problematic. I'm yet to meet someone who thinks the way I do, it'd be interesting to see how dealing with someone like me feels like. I am sure that a world full of Hillels would collapse in a few hours.

I'm simply high maintenance. Many people love me dearly and I'm in awe how they are willing to put up with my shit. I offer nothing in return, after all.

 

[worldatwar]

I'm a man

I am a woman doe

 

[Kote]

evil yung lean be like:
bitches come and stay
but you know i go

 

[blackops2]

I am very greedy. I do what's the best, the funniest at the moment. I am well aware of the inevitable consequences but I don't care. Of course I'm talking about creating the alt accounts and being annoying. I don't apply this type of decision making to the real life. As everyone else should be, I am here to have fun. Is creating alt accounts fun? For me- yes. Anyway.

am i the alt account

 

[Garf]

25 XI 2025

Lots of turbulent events lately. Those who know know. I've had this cycle of going totally mental, resolving the issue and it coming back a few days later, even more intensely. It happened a total of 3 times and the last one was very scary. What I am scared of is it coming back for the 4th time. If it did I'd just Let your heart be bright! inside. For now I'm calm, it seems like nothing bad is going to happen.

I need constant reassurance. Left alone I start doubting myself. The doubting leads to me confronting the problems directly at the expense of other people. I could just let it boil inside until I break completely but I am selfish. I can afford to be selfish.

29 XI 2025

The 4th one just happened. It wasn't as severe as I thought it'd be, probably because I went to slept in the middle of it. What is the point of all of that? I keep escalating, despite knowing well I do not want for things to go bad. Is it my pride?

Should I change? Should the other person change? Should I care? Should they care? Should we care? Should you care? Should anyone care?
What is caring even about? At which point does it become obsession? At which point is it too weak to even be called "caring"?

What is trust? How to build up trust? What if the trust isn't mutual? What is trust?

It's a spectrum. It cannot be confirmed. It's like faith. You either trust or you don't.

I don't crave fidelity, I crave honesty. I don't want obsession, I want understanding.

Lies are easy.

It's easy to just lie to someone.

29 XI 2025

In a way it's beautiful how easy it is to destroy, in contrast to how hard it is to create.

The fragility and irreplaceability of things is why they are precious to us.

Why do I have to learn it the hard way? Do I even learn? When will I understand the very thing I said just now?

6 XII 2025

What are the limits of privacy? What are some things that should never be said to anyone? Where does one draw the line on which topics should remain secret and which should be shared? Even if you fully trust somebody, should you tell them everything?

10 XII 2025

What is a good friend? Is it the one that is always here for you? Is it the one that is the funniest? The most sweet? The most caring? Once again I find myself asking questions instead of thinking straight. It's my way of resolving problems I guess.

Essentially ghosting me for over 3 years and then coming back, still claiming they're my "best friend"? I've moved on. I've got a new best friend. One that's here for me even though we live thousands of miles away from each other.

There is no excuse if you live less than a mile away from me. I was not really hurt, rather disappointed. And now I'm straight up angry. How can he demand friendship from me. I am a forgiving person but there is a limit. He's incredibly fickle and it seems to me he doesn't realize that. Should I just tell him what I think? Straight up? It's such a hard situation.

23 XII 2025

I'm a terrible human being, I very often do terrible things just for my pleasure. I am extremely controlling, I take sick satisfaction from deciding the actions/fate of others. I always want to be the leader of group projects, I always want to have the final word, I manipulate people emotionally, I suppress my own feelings if it means I can get more personal drama out of the people I love. I love myself the most and I have never though that I don't deserve anyone. I do. And they deserve me, however cruel that sounds.

I treat internet strangers like disposable toys, but I can never play with them for too long or I get all empathetic and I start feeling bad.

24 XII 2025

Do words matter or do they not? It depends on the person. I know many people that get influenced just by me telling them nice things, but for me only actions matter. Well, some statements can be made but they have to be backed up by actions. Stupid as it sounds, I still can believe words alone if the person has a history of being trustworthy. But some are not trustworthy.

I am forgiving. I forgive too much. I learn nothing and it makes others face no consequences. "He'll just forget", "He'll just forgive".
"If I keep repeating 'I am sorry' it will all be fine"
"I will change"
"i'm sorry"

I'm a walking contradiction, I am weak. Damn our God for giving me such an emotional personality.

How many times can I forgive? How many times do I need to hear the same "I am sorry"? How many more times do I have to forgive until I forgive myself and let it go?
Relationships are so complicated. I think simple ones are meaningless.

I don't want to change, I want for others to change. But I also hate relying on others, so what am I even expecting?

24 XII 2025

I keep running around not knowing what to do. I have nowhere to stay, no place to anchor myself permanently. I am simply lost. Is it me and my erratic behavior? Probably. I am not the one to judge and I'm not going to see a fucking therapist so he can tell me that yes, in fact, there is something wrong with me. I wouldn't call it a mental illness, it's more of a neurodiversity thing. Not autism, I'm just different. I operate differently, I think differently. I don't really like that though, it's problematic. I'm yet to meet someone who thinks the way I do, it'd be interesting to see how dealing with someone like me feels like. I am sure that a world full of Hillels would collapse in a few hours.

I'm simply high maintenance. Many people love me dearly and I'm in awe how they are willing to put up with my shit. I offer nothing in return, after all.

 

[Hillel Hartmann (Pedo)]

I wonder about my idea of myself, I don't know if I value my perception of myself over others' perception of me. I bet it's some kinda of a spectrum slider where it's either 80/20, 50/50/ 100/0, 0/100. Whatever. As with everything in my life, I am fickle about this. I just choose whatever is the most comforting for me at any given moment. I am very emotional.

I love people. I want to surround myself with people. I guess it makes the perception of others' more important? I want to be loved, I want for people to think highly of me. I am very vulnerable.

 

[Hillel Hartmann (Pedo)]

Fragile. This is the word I've been looking for. I am fragile.

 

[Foggurt]

I wonder about my idea of myself, I don't know if I value my perception of myself over others' perception of me. I bet it's some kinda of a spectrum slider where it's either 80/20, 50/50/ 100/0, 0/100. Whatever. As with everything in my life, I am fickle about this. I just choose whatever is the most comforting for me at any given moment. I am very emotional.

I love people. I want to surround myself with people. I guess it makes the perception of others' more important? I want to be loved, I want for people to think highly of me. I am very vulnerable.

I love you sexy isreali women

 

[shipment]

You'll be fine. It is what it is.

 

[Hillel Hartmann (Pedo)]

I expect too much. I hear "I love you" and I assume I can demand anything from them, I assume their love is unconditional. I fight with them over the most stupid shit that is the result of me thinking I have the right to their secrets, their time, their fate. It seems to me like my depraved way of treating strangers seeps through to my real relationships. Even despite all of that, they forgive me. Am I just that lovable? Are they just that kind? I am grateful to be surrounded by love, but it seems to me like I don't really deserve it. I should learn to cherish it more. I should learn to appreciate the thing which I value the most.

Forgive me. You already forgave me, but I ask you to also forgive me for whatever I do in the future.

I forgive you. Yes, I am at fault, but you are not a saint either. I should not be so hard on you.

I am sorry. I can't really do much more than a half-assed apology. I don't like being affecionate.

Thank you. I can't thank you enough, you made my life much more interesting, you changed me a lot.

Fuck you- that is directed towards myself.

 

[baqqrih]

Forgive me. You already forgave me, but I ask you to also forgive me for whatever I do in the future.

I forgive you. Yes, I am at fault, but you are not a saint either. I should not be so hard on you.

I am sorry. I can't really do much more than a half-assed apology. I don't like being affecionate.

Thank you. I can't thank you enough, you made my life much more interesting, you changed me a lot.

Fuck you- that is directed towards myself.

Well, that's some unique poetry, man, if that's what this is supposed to be. Are these five lines intended to be directed towards someone you personally know, or is the subject instead some sort of symbolic embodiment of people in general who you interact with?

 

[Hillel Hartmann (Pedo)]

Well, that's some unique poetry, man, if that's what this is supposed to be. Are these five lines intended to be directed towards someone you personally know, or is the subject instead some sort of symbolic embodiment of people in general who you interact with?

The addressee is a specific person I know.

 

[Partizan]

I love people.

Very Orihara Izaya-esque.

 

[Hillel Hartmann (Pedo)]

Very Orihara Izaya-esque.
View attachment 77612

>Izaya Orihara (折原 臨也, Orihara Izaya) is a skilled and powerful underground information broker
>information broker

H-hey... uhmm...
*gulp*
Weird question but uhmm... surely not...
Surely you don't go by "Taylor", do you?

 

[worldatwar]

I expect too much. I hear "I love you" and I assume I can demand anything from them, I assume their love is unconditional. I fight with them over the most stupid shit that is the result of me thinking I have the right to their secrets, their time, their fate. It seems to me like my depraved way of treating strangers seeps through to my real relationships. Even despite all of that, they forgive me. Am I just that lovable? Are they just that kind? I am grateful to be surrounded by love, but it seems to me like I don't really deserve it. I should learn to cherish it more. I should learn to appreciate the thing which I value the most.

Forgive me. You already forgave me, but I ask you to also forgive me for whatever I do in the future.

I forgive you. Yes, I am at fault, but you are not a saint either. I should not be so hard on you.

I am sorry. I can't really do much more than a half-assed apology. I don't like being affecionate.

Thank you. I can't thank you enough, you made my life much more interesting, you changed me a lot.

Fuck you- that is directed towards myself.

i love u

 

[Hillel Hartmann (Pedo)]

This song makes me sad.

I used to listen to it during a period that ended with me hurting someone real bad. All caused by me lying to myself. I lied to myself first, so naturally the lie spread to the other person. We both lived in this delusion, both unaware of the truth, until I realized it and ended it as quickly as I could. I always preach about honesty but that time I failed to be honest with myself. I do this quite often and it always results in bad things. How selfish of me, to demand something from others while not doing it myself.

I drank way too much coffee.

 

[blackops2]

I used to listen to it during a period that ended with me hurting someone real bad. All caused by me lying to myself. I lied to myself first, so naturally the lie spread to the other person. We both lived in this delusion, both unaware of the truth, until I realized it and ended it as quickly as I could. I always preach about honesty but that time I failed to be honest with myself. I do this quite often and it always results in bad things. How selfish of me, to demand something from others while not doing it myself.

what happened?

 

[Hillel Hartmann (Pedo)]

what happened?

I am being intentionally vague, the specific events will always remain a secret.