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I have been considering making this thread - article? for some time now, but I wasn't too sure since it will just be me documenting my mental SNCA - though then I decided I don't really care and just want to use this as a tool for myself to archive my thoughts in an organized way. I feel disheartened, as everywhere else I've documented my thoughts have long since been lost and I liked to reflect on the things that have changed, and the things that I still need to work on though I'm persistent so I decided I will start all over again with this space I'll have created for myself for as long as this place comes to exist, who knows where things will go and there's so much I want to discuss in more detail - when I don't, my bottled up thoughts and complexities begin to feel unmanageable and I start to collapse in on myself. I don't know how this will be received, but I will state that I've never had any problems personally with anyone and I say this since I've noticed patterns with people feeling skeptical or off-put by me though I don't understand why when people need to learn how to communicate with other people before being so quick to act poorly, my personal thought and no offense meant in it.. I try not to step on anybody's heel, I like to just see where my day to day takes me because that's all we really can do in life, Ich guess.

 

[Nikizno]

nah, I've been suffering for awhile now, lots and lots of bottling nothing to blame, just endure and keep on living.

Don't worry buddy. There's plenty more of fat brown mentally ill pooners out there. Get over 'liker.

 

[xxx]

they won't let u hit gng

just a mere question I request.

Don't worry buddy. There's plenty more of fat brown mentally ill pooners out there. Get over 'liker.

yeah I suppose that's all I need to escape my deep depression after all.

 

[worldatwar]

just a mere question I request.

nobody cares noob foh

 

[Nikizno]

yeah I suppose that's all I need to escape my deep depression after all.

Look mate. I'll give you the generic advice when you are feeling bad over a breakup: Do some self improvement. Eat healthier, exercise, stop gooning, you know the jiat. Once you're well if yourself, love might come completely by accident.

 

[shekel]

@xxx we are going to rape and kill you noob. Is that clear?

 

[Sylwia]

I don't know what it is about these months of the year - I shut down more than usual, and then end up feeling like a complete cunt from just how heavily I self - isolate myself, not even caring to do anything. I wish I fucking knew why I was like this, I've wanted to post to my blog for the past week though I couldn't find the words as nothing has changed ( this includes the job I "got" which never started and I'm already starting to feel like I need to go back to das hunt. ) I needed to mind vomit, because I feel as though I shouldn't isolate myself and have a hard time with breaking this destructive habit, I don't want to cause harm.

 

[shekel]

I don't know what it is about these months of the year - I shut down more than usual, and then end up feeling like a complete cunt from just how heavily I self - isolate myself, not even caring to do anything. I wish I fucking knew why I was like this, I've wanted to post to my blog for the past week though I couldn't find the words as nothing has changed ( this includes the job I "got" which never started and I'm already starting to feel like I need to go back to das hunt. ) I needed to mind vomit, because I feel as though I shouldn't isolate myself and have a hard time with breaking this destructive habit, I don't want to cause harm.

It's called seasonal depression. Getting more Vitamin D/supplementing it might help.

 

[Sylwia]

tired.

 

[Apeson]

tired.

Have you tried taking melatonin pills before going to sleep?

 

[Nikizno]

Hey @Sylwia are you a fan of philosophy? You seem the kind to be interested in existentialism and all thar stuff

 

[Sylwia]

Hey @Sylwia are you a fan of philosophy? You seem the kind to be interested in existentialism and all thar stuff

I do,

I look up to Friedrich Nietzsche.

My job has had me wanting to fucking blow my brains out - I know it's like that for most people with a job, since nobody wants to work,
but with my job it has been especially aids where it is not just a case of poorly behaved coworkers, but rather a larger scale - problem with management.
Being paid late, my shifts being changed without my permission less than a day before that shift starts - not allowing their employees to go home and get proper rest.
Between my own anxieties and poor habits I've had no time to enjoy anything.

 

[Sylwia]

Have you tried taking melatonin pills before going to sleep?

also le yes, though Benadryl shows more helpful results.

 

[Sylwia]

Having taken today off it helped me to reflect on how much I want change - yet also at the same time I want to be in a position where I can still be myself and not lose the self for societal "betterment". I shouldn't feel as though the walls I'm in are a cage, where employees are treated with less care than customers under the façade of "being a family". I know these are many things that most people who work would understand, but that in itself is a problem with how grand scale these feelings are mutually shared. I don't understand how we are supposed to survive while also maintaining who we are, what we actually care about. The only result I can come up with, is the cliché "work smarter, not harder " because there's some level of merit to this saying. No matter how hard you work in a forced environment, all that's going to say about you is that you're capable of breaking the self for the betterment of a company until they no longer find you useful once you start to slow down - with no real reward for your efforts.

 

[Sylwia]

Genuine mind vomit,

might come off as paranoid though probably not as this has happened many times in the past - where my thoughts were always correct based on being able to pick up on patterns,
but it's still odd to me that there have been people to join this website, and the first thing they do is follow me and read through my entire profile, before going on to post similar content to what I would post. Through past experience these have been individuals who are either very close to me - or certain individuals who keep tabs on me and are not against using 'sock accounts to reach me. If this wasn't a very common ordeal or an active event it would probably be a non-issue and something I wouldn't come to question, but I think anyone with common sense would feel off-put.

It's interesting that as I start posting a specific band,
the new account that followed me as soon as it joined began to upload music from the same band.
Sure other people enjoy KMFDM though this is not by any means a common taste.

Ich will be careful,
I don't have much to worry about though I wish people could be more honest,
it's very easy to be forthcoming rather than playing games that don't benefit either party.

These are thoughts that have been stirring,
because I don't want to entertain people further when there's so much work I can put into the self.
I don't want to bother with people I don't care about, such individuals should feel the same.



In the very rare off - chance that many of these things happen to be coincidence and I'm wrong I can state that I still want to get medicated,
though with my intuition and the ability to snuff out façades in other people, then it being a coincidence is probably not the case though I can't define any proof,
besides the behaviors being very clearly off.

 

[Apeson]

Genuine mind vomit,

might come off as paranoid though probably not as this has happened many times in the past - where my thoughts were always correct based on being able to pick up on patterns,
but it's still odd to me that there have been people to join this website, and the first thing they do is follow me and read through my entire profile, before going on to post similar content to what I would post. Through past experience these have been individuals who are either very close to me - or certain individuals who keep tabs on me and are not against using 'sock accounts to reach me. If this wasn't a very common ordeal or an active event it would probably be a non-issue and something I wouldn't come to question, but I think anyone with common sense would feel off-put.

It's interesting that as I start posting a specific band,
the new account that followed me as soon as it joined began to upload music from the same band.
Sure other people enjoy KMFDM though this is not by any means a common taste.

Ich will be careful,
I don't have much to worry about though I wish people could be more honest,
it's very easy to be forthcoming rather than playing games that don't benefit either party.

These are thoughts that have been stirring,
because I don't want to entertain people further when there's so much work I can put into the self.
I don't want to bother with people I don't care about, such individuals should feel the same.

View attachment 72640

In the very rare off - chance that many of these things happen to be coincidence and I'm wrong I can state that I still want to get medicated,
though with my intuition and the ability to snuff out façades in other people, then it being a coincidence is probably not the case though I can't define any proof,
besides the behaviors being very clearly off.

I think you maybe worry too much. I doubt many people even know you're in here.

 

[Sylwia]

I think you maybe worry too much. I doubt many people even know you're in here.

You would be very genuinely surprised if you knew everything.

I think you maybe worry too much. I doubt many people even know you're in here.

the people who tend to come after me are obsessive.

 

[Sylwia]

The other issue I've mentioned is that the problem is it could be a potential list of people since many people even since the early days of the internet have kept tabs on me, I don't know if this is anyone from my past or anything at all - but the patterns are alarming enough to at least mind vomit about it since this happens frequently enough, outside of forum websites as well where people feel the need to be malicious to get my attention. I'm not the best in general in holding conversations and have always had a problem with response time though those are personal mental griefs of mine.

 

[Sylwia]

tired.

 

[Hillel Hartmann (Pedo)]

You should worry. There are at least 9 people stalking you.

 

[Sylwia]

You should worry. There are at least 9 people stalking you.

more than that honestly - probably closer to fifteen or twenty.