It was kind of funny but I remember when people I knew would tell me to get a job and there were these individuals who hated me who said that I was a leech - but then, when I got a job and held it for several months it didn't change the lives of those who told me to get a job but it was fun getting in the experience and realizing what I'm capable of since after just a few months I was talking with my supervisor at the time and we were both agreeing that I was honestly wasting my time and could move onto something higher paying. I got too comfortable being a shut in again, every day feels like the same day with nothing fucking changing but then again that's all about mindset and discipline. Even when I had money and something of a respectable job I wasn't completely happy and just felt like it was all shallow, working hard just to enjoy temporary comforts. I didn't enjoy dealing with other people but I was able to put on the daily mask - though when you're outside the box, it's hard no, impossible to connect with others. "Isn't the weather something" becomes routine daily conversation while I would be pacing around inside my head constantly checking the clock, wondering when the shift would end while also being dragged into drama and shit I didn't care about.
sexual harassment also isn't fun, and often times higher ups won't take the actions they should - there was this homeless man who came around a few times completely wasted and he would begin talking about the Y2K or political propaganda when I was dealing with other customers, before going on to talk about how small my hands are, discussing how sreal womang he is compared to me because of his time in the army and it got to a point where I turned my back on the individual only for him to continue talking for several minutes. When he left he waited outside until the store closed, security was called but there was another two incidents and he didn't get banned. When I pointed out the guy on the security camera and called him a fucking creep I was fed the usual BS corpo words of how I shouldn't call things for what they are, another reason I can't stand most work places because all that matters is your work ethic.
If this is the case I may as well try my hand for work that I will find true passion and achievement in,
I want to keep striving for more because I know I'm capable of it since I've proved it to myself before.
The way you organize your thoughts and push yourself to further yourself matters.
I still wonder though that even when I had it all why are there people who really cared about whether I worked or not,
whether I was "a part of society" or not, why did it matter when these people wouldn't care if I disappeared.
These are thoughts I've had for years since there's people from my past who keep tabs on me, always kicking me for not being in the same social status as them.
I haven't slept in some time now and I needed to organize all of my thoughts because it was eating at me,
I might write in my diary as well, I need to take better care of myself though I just use this space to mind vomit,
and reply to whatever people want to talk about I guess.
sorry.
